My Lesbian Story
WE ALL HAVE OUR OWN EXPERIENCE ABOUT HOW LIFE LEAD US TO BE LESBIANS.
Most like myself, feel we were just born that way. Yet, still had to overcome many barriers to live our lesbian life. I could use so many examples but I rather stick to one I know best…my own.
I was born into a very old fashion Christian Latino family. The youngest of 5. I was expected to marry a man and get pregnant, or in the case of my sisters, get pregnant than get married.:)
So can you imagine my surprise when I was first kiss by a girl and liked it. I wont lie… I made Jackie regret that kiss as my hands responded faster than my mind. My mind said, “Wow!” My hand slapped her trying to say, “If I don’t hit u it would mean to everyone I liked it and that is JUST wrong.”
Yeah, I was in conflict with myself for many years after that. Even after getting into a secretive relationship with her, after leaving my boyfriend for. Still the relationship was unstable and very violent. Sadly, the only one being violent was me. I could not accept my attraction to her to be of my free will and so I blamed her for bewitching me or seducing me in such a way I could not resist. Surely, that had to be it. I mean, I’m a girl I had to like men, right? Yet, she never gave up on me. She was patient, loving and far older than her years, for only being a teenager. She took the violence that came with the battle of my inner demons. I learned later that that was the true evil, not the one of me being a lesbian as I was later on told once I was out the closet. The true evil was the battle of my religion and my upbringing against my heart and my desires.
I wish I can say that all it took was one kiss from a girl to know I was gay. My body kept wanting to be with her and my mind kept telling me “this is NOT what u learned at church.” I was certain I would never be forgiven by God if I did not fight those evil urges. Its sad what religion can do at times. I mean it’s good that we have morals and that we follow some kind of rules and guidance, spiritual or not, but when it get so that you hate yourself for being weak and giving in to what u was raised to believe is wrong… it’s very detrimental. You go through life feeling you are bad and u deserve whatever goes wrong. I mean how can your parents be wrong, even worse how can God be wrong?
Not everyone is comfortable with being gay from the very start. Those that are, have no idea how lucky they are. The pressure on a homosexual woman is worse than on a man in my eyes. We are expected to become moms at some point and until recently that was not accomplished without having sex with a man. Even today it’s the most affordable way to do it.
I thought that never having a child would make no difference to me seeing how my sisters were overpopulating the world by themselves. In fact, NOT wanting children strengthen my resolve that perhaps I was safer with a woman. I felt safer for many other reasons I am certain many of you not only would understand but can relate to.
However, I don’t feel that it should be added here because I feel that there is already this misconception that most lesbians are lesbians because they hate men or been hurt by men. I don’t doubt that many lesbians have been hurt by men but I believe that their choice to be a lesbian or their NEED to be a lesbian is solely based on a choice derived from an inner awareness that they desire an emotional, romantic and/or sexual relationship with another woman.
This is proven by the simple fact of the opposite being true…how many women that have been hurt by men, yet still prefer men… Most! So why didn’t they turn gay?
Which brings me back to me. I learned with Jackie, who was brave enough to seek me and show me her love, that I could love a woman, but this was not confirmed till over a decade later. What prolonged it was that during one of those times when the guilt and the pressure was driving me insane, I felt I had to do something to be normal (the normal that others expected from me) I returned to my boyfriend and after much persistent from his part I gave into having sex with him. Funny cause that was not so easily accomplished since religion was still biting me on the ass and I knew that sex without marriage was wrong. You would think that after sex with a girl this would not even be an issue of concern after all the rule was already broken, sex is sex. Surely, I was going straight to hell anyway. At least that is what I kept telling myself the day I finally caved into my boyfriend’s persisitance. I had to believe all that, so I can allow myself to let it happen…it did. YES! I was now NORMAL. Or was I?
Had, I hated sex with a man like many lesbians do, it would had help me get where I am today a lot sooner, but being a bisexual lesbian (more on this at a later post) for most my life… I didn’t. I took this to mean that maybe I had been right and I must have been under some kind of spell with Jackie or going through a phase as we often hear today. The weight of guilt that I was no longer with the wrong sex was lifted making my life easier for a short while. Wedding plans in order and soon I will be what everyone expected of me, but Jackie was never too far from my mind.
Life got easier but that does not mean happier. I can fill several books with all the changes I went through before I learned that what I am I cannot escape nor change. Even more so that I don’t want to escape or change it. I did the whole marriage to a man and ended divorced 3 times to be precise as I wanted to believe it was just the wrong guy and not that I was not happy with men as a life partner. I was also blessed with children and I used that to validate my choice for many years. However, as a single independent mother I found myself playing the role of mom and dad and it was then I found myself fantasizing about raising kids with Jackie.
For some reason women had been attracted to me my whole life so what came next could had happen dozens of times before. I recall hearing myself tell women that came onto me that I was “strictly dickly” to turn them away. Yet, I always was left with this uneasiness inside. Not because they approached me but because I pushed them away when I so just wanted to give in. I knew that in my dreams my partners were always women, but to ease my guilt, I always told myself that was not in my control so it was not my fault.
No longer having anyone to answer to, no religion, no husband and living far from my parents, I gave in to the yearning inside. I allowed myself to be wooed and charmed by women and found that I enjoyed that far more than with men. I allowed myself to feel normal for the very first time. No longer was I seeming normal but I was actually feeling normal. 10 years after walking away from Jackie I got together with Shelly, my first healthy lesbian relationship.
Ms. B. Haven (stay tuned for my future blogs)