Today I want to address something that not only affect us Lesbian but everyone and is often prone to create drama in our lives.
Have you been told you are defensive?
Have you had that criticism leveled at you before? If you have, you’ll know it’s a no-win situation!
First we should understand the meaning of “being defensive”. I think http://www.thefreedictionary.com/defensive explains it best in choice number four.
4. Psychology Constantly protecting oneself from criticism, exposure of one’s shortcomings, or other real or perceived threats to the ego.
Perhaps, you have never been told but you do feel that you are too defensive, too sensitive when given constructive criticism then you may be missing out on valuable feedback.
If someone is too defensive they are basically always on the look out for emotional attack. The trouble is when we are constantly on the lookout for something we tend to keep finding it! If you continually think that someone is ‘getting at you’ then it becomes very hard to actually learn and develop.
There are many reason you can feel too sensitive to criticism, you may have been brought up believing that anything said bad about you reflects on your upbringing. More commonly however, people who are over-defensive have been criticized a lot in the past, and defensiveness has developed as a self-protection mechanism. Most commonly seen in victims of abusive relationships.
This can also come from having a huge amount of pride. You hate to be wrong, or, more importantly, being proved wrong. You hate having someone point out your faults (after all, you know them already!) and dislike anyone being aggressive with you.
In this case of course, you need to learn how to discern between an attack on you, and a complaint or instructive comment. You can do this by knowing the difference between Defending yourself and Being Defensive.
Refers to a situation where one is being attacked either verbally or physically. If you are literally being attacked in some way, it would be reasonable to protect or defend yourself. If some one is attacking your ideas, you can defend your ideas. If you are being accused of doing something that is not true or a decision is being attacked, you can defend them. In each of these situations you would meet the attack on the same level as the attack was made. For example, if someone physically attacks you, you could defend yourself in a physical way. If some one attacks your ideas using their own ideas and evidence to disagree with you, you can defend your ideas with supporting evidence. If your are being accused of something that you did not do, you can bring evidence to show that you were not to blame. These are all examples of where an appropriate defense would be justified. In all of these instances an observer, or even the attacker, would in all probability acknowledge that an attack is taking place. In verbal situations the ideas or beliefs are being attacked. In a physical situation it is your body that is being attacked. In neither of these situations do you feel that your sense of self is being threatened. Just the opposite is true when you feel defensive.
Refers to a situation where you are feeling personally attacked. It is your sense of self that is being attacked. When you are feeling attacked by another person, the alleged attacker may deny the attack; and an observer may or may not see the attack. In other words, often we may feel attacked when there is no attack intended.
The sense of being attacked may originate within oneself. When we defend ourselves against a felt or perceived attack rather than a “real” attack we become defensive. We are protecting our sense of self.
Being overly defensive is an emotional response not a logical one. In fact quite often we know that perhaps we are over-reacting but the emotional part of us seems to take over.
Having more access to your thinking brain rather than just being swamped by the emotional part will give you more choices of response to people and events.
Sometimes even a simple question can be experienced as an attack. Becoming defensive under these circumstances, however, rarely is warranted and seldom results in a better connection
with the other person. When we become defensive we are more concerned with self-protection than effecting a connection with the other person. At the moment of perceived attack, the attacker becomes our enemy. Imagine what it might be like if you were able to hold onto the idea that this person, who is now upset with you, is truly your friend and is merely upset about something. How might you respond then?
When we feel under attack by another person, the words or tone may trigger some internal experience. For example, if we feel guilty we are more likely to feel attacked by a simple inquiry such as “where were you last night?” If we feel guilty about our whereabouts we might become defensive; if we actually did whatever we are being accused of, we might become defensive.
If we were repeatedly questioned by our parents while growing up, feeling as though we are being policed by them, we might experience any question about our behavior as an attack.
Sometimes the perceived attacker, not knowing you are feeling under attack because they are not meaning it as a personal offense, becomes irritated with your retaliation and then begin a personal attack.To avoid this you need to assure yourself that you are not being defensive, it might be necessary for you to simply acknowledge your feelings and accept that the person with whom you are engaged in conversation is not in fact trying to hurt you.
Defensiveness in an intimate relationship leads to distancing between the parties and is never necessary. In many cases it is easy to predict very accurately just by listening to a couple for a few minutes of conversation if they are destined to destroy their relationships or would they survive long-term.
You can tell amongst other factors, that if one of the couple seems to be
highly defensive then this in itself means the relationship is much more likely to break down. Being too defensive wrecks all kinds of relationships including working ones. Sure you need to defend yourself if someone is on the attack but there’s nothing worse than people feeling they have to tread on eggshells the whole time so as not to upset you. It’s hard to want to be around someone who is highly defensive as they come across as rude and aggressive themselves, not to mention emotionally immature.
You need to learn to relax and listen instead of focusing on fending off attacks that aren’t there. When you are no longer defensive your life will be so much freer and easier and you’ll be able to focus on what’s really important.
Rather than becoming defensive when you experience an attack, the following are some suggestions that might be helpful:
- Listen attentively to the person without interruption or judgment & without planning a reply.
- Do Not Take Things Personally.
- Take everything that is said to you and process it twice before responding. These means WAIT till the person is done then process it again, by then your initial defensive response would diffuse and it will allow you to process exactly what that person was saying and whether or not they meant it as a personal attack on you. You can use the “count-to-ten” method before responding (always a good thing since you can never take back your words).
- Never retaliate with criticism of the other person – now is not the time or place when someone else has taken the initiative to voice their complaints.
- Keep a calm, open mind and don’t over-react. Anxiety is a driving force behind dysfunctional behaviour.
- Acknowledge that you are feeling defensive.
- Concentrate on the important issues – and let go of the rest.
- Ask the alleged attacker whether he or she is just interested in being accusatory or addressing a problem.
- Inquire as to whether the attacker is upset with you or with something concerning you.
- Think of the Positive Qualities of the Other Person.
- Ask yourself whether this situation reminds you of other situations where you felt similarly. If so, remind yourself that it isn’t that same situation and possibly person.
- Are you responding to the content of the statement/question or the tone? To know the answer to this you need to listen to the whole dialogue.
- Are you feeling unfairly accused or blamed? If so, acknowledge your feelings, before attacking by engaging your brain before opening your mouth.
- Attempt to engage the alleged attacker in a dialogue rather than a fight. This is best done by allowing them to finish what they are trying to convey.
- This is going to be the hardest thing to do: Admit when you’re wrong. Hey, everyone makes mistakes. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be human. Instead of making a big deal out of it, simply say, “My mistake” or “I’m sorry, I was wrong”. It’s much easier on the pride to give a long explanation of why you were wrong, but simply stating that you were is usually enough. People respect this because they know that they themselves have made mistakes and will make more. Owning up to your mistakes will help you when you’re not wrong. If they know you’re willing to admit it when you’re wrong, they’ll be more likely to listen to you when you’re sure you’re not.
The stronger your sense of self or self-esteem,
the less likely you are to become defensive.
I hope that all the information I gathered as well as the one supplied from my own experience serves of some help to others in the dealing with defensive people or your own overly defensive personality.
*Ms. B. Haven*
MOST WANTED LIST
(Be on the lookout for these and stay away)
TRUE lesbians hate these women, but it is hard to spot them out. These ladies can come in femmes and studs. These are the women who claim up and down that they are 100% lesbian women. But they really still mess with men. One way to spot them is that they usually get offended when someone calls them bisexual. They also make a note to wear a lot of pride items at one time so they can always be seen. These women are dangerous because you really never know what they are doing. One week they could be gay and the next they could be pregnant. BEWARE of these DYKEs!!!
Not to be confused with Yikes dyke
An in the closet lesbian. Obviously gay, but closeted none-the-less.
These Studs are unbelievable. They dress, and act like true studs but they are really disguised. These women do not represent studs well at all. They are usually looking for a femme to take care of them all the time. Also they don’t do things that studs are suppose to do such as take the dominate role in the bed room. These women like the thought of being a stud but don’t want the responsibility that comes along with it. They usually do not care about pleasing their woman in any way, or they feel like you should give them something in return for being with them. In other words they are the equivalent of a good for nothing scrub of a man. Some outrageous things about these women are:
1. They think their woman should take care of them
2. They are controlling
3. They can not do anything for themselves
4. They are usually on some kind of drug, usually weed and alcohol if not just full of themseves
5. Some even don’t give oral sex, sex is like a ritual passionless
6. They swear they are God’s gift to this world
7. They tend to have lots of resent exes, but you won’t learn this from them
8. They claim exes are just women they dated and didn’t want who ares till in love with them
9. They lie or omit a lot
PLEASE WATCH YOUR BACK FOR THEM. IF YOU MAKE A MISTAKE AND GET ONE RUN QUICK!!! I should know cause I had one and I thank GOD I ran!!! It’s sad too cause they come across like really sturdy no-fool-around Butch. Don’t fall for that “Butch as I am, Butch as I stand” Syndrome. They are weak and insecure and unsatisfying even if they give you oral sex…lol You’ll know if you are with one when you get that feeling that your feelings don’t matter and everything you do surround their needs only.
These have to be the most dangerous of all the lesbian community. The Drama Dyke love to be surrounded with drama at all time. These are the kind of females that cheat and put themselves in situations to get caught. They usually stay in some sort of trouble. They have crazy ex-girlfriends, they like to get into fights, but usually they want someone to help them fight. These are the girls you NEVER want to be with in pubic places, especially gay clubs and events. Signs to look out for:
1. They bring up ex’s a lot
2. They always seem to be nervous
3. They discuss their drama as they are claiming how much they hate drama
4. They tell you there could be problems before you go somewhere
5. They like posting on your wall making sure everyone knows she is with you.
6. They are sneaky and conniving
IF YOU HAVE HEARD THAT A GIRL IS FULL OF DRAMA DO NOT TRY TO BE WITH THEM ANYWAY UNLESS YOU TOO ARE A DRAMA DYKE
This is all for now. As I discover more on my search for more Lesbian Life Knowledge I will add them here. Hope this is helpful and please take the red print serious.
*Ms. B. Haven*
It’s been my recent discovery that there are baby dykes* out there running around wondering why now that they are with a woman, they’re still feeling uncomfortable in their own skin. One of my friends thought she had to be a femme when she first came out the closet, only to discover that even though she was in a lesbian relationship she still did not feel comfortable. Later on she experimented with being the butch and found her “nook in the rainbow”. Yup, I made that one up and I am going to wear it out…lol
Another friend recently came out after a 20 plus years married to a man. After 5 years and 2 lesbian relationships later she still didn’t know what type of lesbian she was. When she came to me with the question “What is a femme and a butch?” I knew then I needed to get this “Lesbian Labels” blog out for everyone to read.
PLEASE KEEP IN MIND THESE WERE NOT CREATED BY ME. They have been around for a long time. I for one don’t care much for the labels but it does help new lesbian understand what choices are out there and what they can expect. I can almost bet WEBSTER’S does not acknowledge many of them and those it does may not have the same meaning.
The reason that lesbians have so many terms to classify themselves is that each one is a little different and they don’t like to be pidgeonholed into arbitrary categories, as has happened in the past when lesbians were classified into strict gender roles as either butch or femme. In-betweens, or kikis, were looked down on, and even considered traitors to the lesbian community. The intention with so many terms nowadays is to be inclusive rather than exclusive.
I gathered as many labels as I could and put them together here in hopes that it can help. I skipped a lot of them I thought would only confuse people. Words in parenthesis are just the categories the words apply to.
A lesbian who is neither masculine nor feminine in appearance or behavior. Universally known as Unisex.
*Baby Dyke (Studs and Femmes)
A young lesbian or someone who is just coming out of the closet. Also know as Dyke in Training.
Common Misspellings include: baby dike.
This is a woman who can form meaningful relationships with both sexes. When she is with a woman, she is with her, and fits totally into the gay world with no problems. When she is with a man, she fits totally into the straight world, and totally loves him. She is not really confused, she just falls in love with a person and not a gender. She usually prefers sex with women, but some can enjoy both equally. She is usually attracted to stud/tomboy types but may have a lot of problems in the relationship, because of the stud`s/tomboy`s fear that she is not true to the game, and will eventually go back to men. Sexually she is usually aggressive in bed.
Alternate Definition: To be bisexual is to be attracted to a person regardless or gender or sex. It does not mean that you cannot make up your mind, it does not mean you are sex-crazed, and it does not mean that you will by default participate in orgies every night.
A Blue Jean Femme is a lesbian who identifies as femme, or feminine, but prefers jeans and more casual clothing to dresses and skirts.
For lesbians, a boi is a woman who is biologically female, but has a boyish appearance or presentation. A boi may be lesbian identified or s/he may be trans identified. For gay men a boi is a gay man who is boyish or young in appearance or identity.
Alternate Definition: This spelling of the word originated in a gay magazine called, “XY” in the early to mid 1990’s. XY is targeted at gay male teenagers. This spelling describes a youthful, hip, and attractive male. While completely embraced in the gay community to mean any young, sexually attractive male, this spelling also appears in heterosexual contexts to mean similarly, a young, handsome guy.
However, now A boi is a lesbian or gender-queer person who identifies most with their male energy and presents themselves as male in their appearance. They may consider themselves to be of either gender although they are anatomically female.
A woman who adopts what would be considered masculine characteristics.
Alternate Definition: A (traditionally) masculine man or woman, and especially a masculine lesbian. Often the “dominant” partner in a lesbian relationship, and especially of a butch/femme lesbian relationship.
Dressing masculinely does not make a woman into a lesbian, contrary to popular belief; it’s usually more convenient. Acting masculinely only means that’s the gender role that the person identifies with; it has nothing to do with their sexual life. A highly masculine man could be gay for all we know and a very feminine man could be straight for all we know, and both of these cases are frequent.
A chapstick lesbian, while she shares some of the behavioral traits of a soft butch, prefers to retain her feminine identity. However, chapstick lesbians are more practical than lipstick lesbians in several respects. She usually dresses quite casually and does not wear make-up and they don’t waste the money to “have their hair done” They feel that long, natural hair is much prettier and a friend can trim it a little if need be without getting carried away and doing a butch job. A chapstick lesbian, is sometimes called ++a soft femme or androgynous. To summarize, a chapstick lesbian is characterized by her practical, fun-loving, feminine identity.
Origins: Introduced in the late 1990’s to take on all those lipstick lesbians out there! The term Chapstick Lesbian was popularized after an episode of the TV show Ellen. Someone asked Ellen if she were a lipstick lesbian or what. Ellen replied, she was more of a chapstick lesbian. This fact is confusing cause Ellen would not fall under chapstick Lesbian. I believe she was trying to do what she does best being a comedian not realizing that the Chapstick lesbian term did already exist. Her butch haircut alone removes her from the category.
Alternate Definition: A female homosexual whose gender identity is slightly to the femme side of neutral on the femme-butch continuum of gender presentation but whose appearance and preferences stop short of those of a “lipstick lesbian.”
A Diesel Dyke is a very butch or manly lesbian, especially one who is very aggressive. In some lesbian circles Diesel Dyke refers to a very butch Big-Rig (or other heavy equipment) driving lesbian. Also known as a Bulldagger.
Alternate Definition: A lady (often quite large,) that prefers the (very) close company of other ladies, known as femmes. Regularly seen wearing a lumberjack shirt, boots and dungarees/bib & braces overalls.
Origin: Due to the normal extreme mass of these ‘ladies,’ it has often been assumed that locomotion could only be facilitated with the assistance of a powerful Diesel engine.
A drag king is a woman who dresses to look like a man, usually for performance. Drag kings are often lesbian, but not always.
Alternate Definition: A woman who, generally for public entertainment, dons men’s clothes and adopts a stereotypically masculine demeanor while on stage. As with drag queens, a drag king’s performance can range from a silly, overdone parody to a more natural, subtle depiction of masculinity.
Another word for lesbian. Usually is only used by people who are gay, lesbian, bisexual or trans. A straight person using this word may offend some people.
Alternate Definition: Although originally a derogatory term for lesbians, it is now often used with pride by lesbians themselves, especially the younger and hipper lesbian crowd. Some lesbians (especially older or super-sensitive ones) still object to the term, but it is becoming increasingly common and mainstream (at least within the gay community), with events such as “Dyke Nights” or “Dyke Marches” being held around the country. In fact some dykes resent being called a lesbian, as they feel it is much less cool than being called a dyke.
A feminine lesbian. Also known as a Lipstick Lesbian. Sometimes spelled Fem.
Alternate Definition: A (traditionally) feminine woman. Mainly used to refer to a feminine lesbian, and especially a feminine lesbian who is attracted to masculine, or butch lesbians.
Often thought of as passive, dulcet, timid little things with long locks of hair; prissy dresses; great big fawn eyes; a high, baby-doll voice; the courage of a lamb and the intelligence of a gardenia. But we’re all human, so don’t expect that stereotype of finding every femme to be submissive, faint-hearted little fairies. Plenty of femmes kick butt and are even the dominant over their butch partners.
Dani Campbell, a lesbian firefighter from Florida who was one of the contestants on MTV’s Shot at Love with Tila Tequila coined the word “Futch.” She says the word describes someone who is neither feminine nor butch, but a cross between.
Alternate Definition: A lesbian, dyke or other variety of queer woman who possesses or displays qualities and identifiers of both butch and femme. (noun)
Futch (adjective) describes:
a) a non-standard display of female masculinity, which contains elements of the feminine (such as clothing, walk, cosmetics, shoes).
b) a non-standard display of queer femininity, containing elements of the masculine (such as clothing, walk, cosmetics, shoes).
If butch/femme is a spectrum, a futch may be found at any or all of the points in between.
A futch presentation may occasionally be ephemeral, caused by the migration of an woman’s queer self-identity, but is much more likely to be ongoing and deliberate; reflecting an individual’s own position of comfort on the queer gender presentation scale.
Tila Tequila’s date, Dani Campbell, a lesbian firefighter from Florida, claims she invented the word “futch” to describe herself as being part butch, part femme. However, a spot of research will reveal that the word has been in moderate usage in the dyke community since at least 1990. Dani would have had to be a very inventive little futch at 11 to be the word’s progenitor.
Sometimes futch sighting is a false positive, as in the case of many rural women who make the gaydar spang wildly, but who are merely hetero women who portray common lesbian markers, such as speaking firmly, gesturing strongly, taking no nonsense, and using no botox. While wearing boots.
A gold star lesbian is a lesbian who has never slept with a man and has no intention of ever sleeping with a man.
A hasbian is a woman who used to identify as a lesbian and date women, but is now dating men.
Alternate Definition: A term meaning a lesbian who now partakes in heterosexual activities. However, it does not mean that a woman has CHANGED her sexual orientation, that is something which does not change. She may however have changed her sexual behavior or identity. The woman may truly be straight and have previously been questioning, or the woman may have been a lesbian who has retreated into the closet, or the woman may be bisexual, omnisexual or something else of that nature but by no means can a person change their orientation.
Kiki is a term that was used in the lesbian bar culture of the 1950s and 1960s to describe someone who was neither butch nor femme. At that time, the bar culture was very much into roles and most women were pressured to choose either butch or femme.
Lesbian is a term most widely used in the English language to describe sexual and romantic desire between females. The word may be used as a noun, to refer to women who identify themselves or who are characterized by others as having the primary attribute of female homosexuality, or as an adjective, to describe characteristics of an object or activity related to female same-sex desire.
Alternate Definition: A woman who loves or is sexually attracted to women. I read through other descriptions of lesbian and some people who made definitions on this word are just plain retarded.
A lipstick lesbian is a woman who loves other women, but also loves her clothes and makeup and shoes. She tends to dress on the femmy side. Also known as Femme or Fem.
Alternate Definition: A feminine lesbian. It can be used interchangeably with femme to indicate a feminine lesbian, but strictly speaking, a femme is usually attracted to masculine, or butch, lesbians and a lipstick lesbian is attracted to other feminine lesbians.
Often thought of as demure, submissive creatures, many, if not all femmes and lipstick lesbians are quite strong, independent women.
A Lone Star Lesbian is not a lesbian from Texas. A Lone Star Lesbian is someone who has only had sex with one person in their life. Straight and bisexual people can be Lone Stars too.
LUG stands for “Lesbian until Graduation“. A LUG is a woman who experiments with women during her college years, but eventually decides she is straight and marries a man.
Alternate Definition: Someone who for whatever personal/logistical reasons decides to be a lesbian until graduation. The seriousness of this can range from officially identifying as a lesbian (possibly accompanied by an elaborate coming out process) to avoidance of the official term and simply fucking around with girls. Rather like cinderella after midnight, these are the girls who revert back to the male half of the species after leaving the college bubble. A very common occurrence at women’s colleges. Also has a counter-part in the term bi until graduation (BUG). Most frequently used on women’s college campuses, the term may also be used as an insult or warning and is oftentimes by other women who have more romantic or sexual experience with other women (AKA lesbians/bi chicks who have come to terms with their sexuality earlier on and are talking about the chicks who’re just now starting to explore).
A Pillow Queen is someone who likes to be on the receiving end of sex. She likes to be pleasured and not reciprocate. This is the type that usually gets with a “touch me not” Butch/Stud. She is used to being taken care of by her butch. She is also used to being pleasured totally in bed. She will not give her women head (because she does not know how, or never has had to learn how.) She will treat her butch like a woman would treat a man. Their roles are old-fashioned and rigid.
A Power Dyke is a lesbian who has gained a position of power, either within the LGBT community, or in the world at large. She could be the head of a non-profit agency, a politician or successful in business. Also known as Power Lesbian or a Suit.
This is the type of stud that is a pretender. She is hard on the street, around her boiz and femmes that she is not dating. When she goes home to her femme, however, she drops the facade. Her girl takes control and may even dominate her in bed. She may even allow her girl to use a strap-on with her. Her girl may sometimes wonder who the femme really is in the relationship. This type of stud may also have a secret attraction to fem-studs, new age studs and in some cases butches. A lot of white dykes fall in this category (u see them walking around holding hands, butch with butch.) On rare cases you see them in the black community. You know the type, where you are constantly wondering who’s the daddy. This is the type of stud that needs to have her stud card revoked!!!
A soft butch is a lesbian whose appearance is generally androgynous. She may dress and act in a masculine manner, but be soft and more feminine in the inside. Also, a soft butch can be someone who falls somewhere between butch and femme, but closer to the butch side.
A sport dyke is a lesbian, who more than anything, identifies with being an athlete. She may also dress in a manner that would give the impression she is an athlete, like baseball caps, sweatshirts and jeans.
A stem is a lesbian who identifies somewhere between “stud” and “femme”.Also known as Kiki.
A stone butch is a lesbian who gets her pleasure from pleasing her partner. She does not like to be touched sexually.
Alternate Definition: Most masculine of the Butches – may pass as male without actually trying. May identify as transgender, that is identifying outside of the gender usually associated with females. Does all or most of the above in masculine gender expressions. May or may not be sexually aggressive. Will not be made love to as one would a “woman”. Will have questioned their gender at some time in their lives. Will not be totally comfortable with their female body. May think of Butch as a separate gender from man & woman.
A femme lesbian who never tries to flip or “melt” her Stone Butch lover, but prefers to pleasure her lover by taking a passive role in sex.
Alternate Definition: A second definition is a femme lesbian who does not like to be touched, much like a stone butch.
A dominant lesbian, usually butch. This is usually the type of dyke that has gender identity disorder (she thinks and wants to be a man). She takes on the very dominant role in relationships, the male role to be exact. She dresses like a man and acts like a man. There is nothing feminine about her. She is sometimes more of a man than some men. In bed she will only want to make love to her women with a strap on. She will not want women to touch her breast, or her vagina, go down on her or provide her with any type of pleasure. She wants to do all the pleasuring. She does not want women to touch her breast etc, because it reminds her that she is a woman.
References and Credits
:trirainbow: by =MistressRaven1605
Lesbian on Wikipeda
About.com: Lesbian Life
WE ALL HAVE OUR OWN EXPERIENCE ABOUT HOW LIFE LEAD US TO BE LESBIANS.
Most like myself, feel we were just born that way. Yet, still had to overcome many barriers to live our lesbian life. I could use so many examples but I rather stick to one I know best…my own.
I was born into a very old fashion Christian Latino family. The youngest of 5. I was expected to marry a man and get pregnant, or in the case of my sisters, get pregnant than get married.:)
So can you imagine my surprise when I was first kiss by a girl and liked it. I wont lie… I made Jackie regret that kiss as my hands responded faster than my mind. My mind said, “Wow!” My hand slapped her trying to say, “If I don’t hit u it would mean to everyone I liked it and that is JUST wrong.”
Yeah, I was in conflict with myself for many years after that. Even after getting into a secretive relationship with her, after leaving my boyfriend for. Still the relationship was unstable and very violent. Sadly, the only one being violent was me. I could not accept my attraction to her to be of my free will and so I blamed her for bewitching me or seducing me in such a way I could not resist. Surely, that had to be it. I mean, I’m a girl I had to like men, right? Yet, she never gave up on me. She was patient, loving and far older than her years, for only being a teenager. She took the violence that came with the battle of my inner demons. I learned later that that was the true evil, not the one of me being a lesbian as I was later on told once I was out the closet. The true evil was the battle of my religion and my upbringing against my heart and my desires.
I wish I can say that all it took was one kiss from a girl to know I was gay. My body kept wanting to be with her and my mind kept telling me “this is NOT what u learned at church.” I was certain I would never be forgiven by God if I did not fight those evil urges. Its sad what religion can do at times. I mean it’s good that we have morals and that we follow some kind of rules and guidance, spiritual or not, but when it get so that you hate yourself for being weak and giving in to what u was raised to believe is wrong… it’s very detrimental. You go through life feeling you are bad and u deserve whatever goes wrong. I mean how can your parents be wrong, even worse how can God be wrong?
Not everyone is comfortable with being gay from the very start. Those that are, have no idea how lucky they are. The pressure on a homosexual woman is worse than on a man in my eyes. We are expected to become moms at some point and until recently that was not accomplished without having sex with a man. Even today it’s the most affordable way to do it.
I thought that never having a child would make no difference to me seeing how my sisters were overpopulating the world by themselves. In fact, NOT wanting children strengthen my resolve that perhaps I was safer with a woman. I felt safer for many other reasons I am certain many of you not only would understand but can relate to.
However, I don’t feel that it should be added here because I feel that there is already this misconception that most lesbians are lesbians because they hate men or been hurt by men. I don’t doubt that many lesbians have been hurt by men but I believe that their choice to be a lesbian or their NEED to be a lesbian is solely based on a choice derived from an inner awareness that they desire an emotional, romantic and/or sexual relationship with another woman.
This is proven by the simple fact of the opposite being true…how many women that have been hurt by men, yet still prefer men… Most! So why didn’t they turn gay?
Which brings me back to me. I learned with Jackie, who was brave enough to seek me and show me her love, that I could love a woman, but this was not confirmed till over a decade later. What prolonged it was that during one of those times when the guilt and the pressure was driving me insane, I felt I had to do something to be normal (the normal that others expected from me) I returned to my boyfriend and after much persistent from his part I gave into having sex with him. Funny cause that was not so easily accomplished since religion was still biting me on the ass and I knew that sex without marriage was wrong. You would think that after sex with a girl this would not even be an issue of concern after all the rule was already broken, sex is sex. Surely, I was going straight to hell anyway. At least that is what I kept telling myself the day I finally caved into my boyfriend’s persisitance. I had to believe all that, so I can allow myself to let it happen…it did. YES! I was now NORMAL. Or was I?
Had, I hated sex with a man like many lesbians do, it would had help me get where I am today a lot sooner, but being a bisexual lesbian (more on this at a later post) for most my life… I didn’t. I took this to mean that maybe I had been right and I must have been under some kind of spell with Jackie or going through a phase as we often hear today. The weight of guilt that I was no longer with the wrong sex was lifted making my life easier for a short while. Wedding plans in order and soon I will be what everyone expected of me, but Jackie was never too far from my mind.
Life got easier but that does not mean happier. I can fill several books with all the changes I went through before I learned that what I am I cannot escape nor change. Even more so that I don’t want to escape or change it. I did the whole marriage to a man and ended divorced 3 times to be precise as I wanted to believe it was just the wrong guy and not that I was not happy with men as a life partner. I was also blessed with children and I used that to validate my choice for many years. However, as a single independent mother I found myself playing the role of mom and dad and it was then I found myself fantasizing about raising kids with Jackie.
For some reason women had been attracted to me my whole life so what came next could had happen dozens of times before. I recall hearing myself tell women that came onto me that I was “strictly dickly” to turn them away. Yet, I always was left with this uneasiness inside. Not because they approached me but because I pushed them away when I so just wanted to give in. I knew that in my dreams my partners were always women, but to ease my guilt, I always told myself that was not in my control so it was not my fault.
No longer having anyone to answer to, no religion, no husband and living far from my parents, I gave in to the yearning inside. I allowed myself to be wooed and charmed by women and found that I enjoyed that far more than with men. I allowed myself to feel normal for the very first time. No longer was I seeming normal but I was actually feeling normal. 10 years after walking away from Jackie I got together with Shelly, my first healthy lesbian relationship.
Ms. B. Haven (stay tuned for my future blogs)
The plan with Lesbian Haven is to create a place where lesbians can come for answers. I have not explored all the possible ways this can be done yet, but I do have a few ideas. As more ideas come to me I will add them to my blogs. I also welcome any ideas any of you may have. They can be added as comments or you can email them to firstname.lastname@example.org.
OUTLINE OF MY PLANS
Creating a lesbian vocabulary page.
Adding links of other lesbian sites that can be useful.
Creating polls that would give me more ideas on what things I may need to address.
Sharing stories and testimonies that can help.
Continuing to create a happy, welcoming atmosphere so that more people can come and just be themselves. Where a young lady feeling lost and confuse can find a home and feel loved and accepted. Where she can feel comfortable enough to open up and share of herself and explore new ideas and seek answers that may concern her. Most of all so that she can learn from watching, and participating in chat with older, more experience lesbians, hopefully teaching them what things to avoid to keep their lives drama free.
Number 5 also applies to older women who came out not long ago and still feel uncomfortable in their own skin. (More on this on a later post)
I have no doubt this list will grow.
Ms. B. Haven
Hello my name is Ms. B. Haven and I am a femme (more on this on a later post).
I wish I can say that I had this great plan when I started Lesbian Haven. It was really created because a previous Facebook page where my lesbian friends and I hung out got deleted. Minutes after it got closed down my lesbian friends were squirming with withdrawals. I am still not sure why they looked to me to start a new page, considering I was the least familiar with Facebook and truth be told never really liked it.
Here I was listening to those sad voices pleading that someone get a page our lesbians family up QUICK! Being the doer and giving type I hopped right to it. OK , so maybe I stumbled right to it. lol
As I created the page with 2 other lesbians, Haven Lee and Haven Lee Boi both butch (more on this on a later post), I was struck with the reality of how many people depend on Facebook for their daily socializing fix. I for one only came to Facebook, because the 52 yr. old butch I was dating requested I check out her page for lesbians. I will be honest my first few times on her page I saw nothing fascinating other than I can see if she was online or not. When I would see her post throughout the day I knew whether she was at home or off to work. Yippee! <~Sarcasm
I found myself exploring other lesbian sites and came across some with really interesting questions. So I found myself putting my 2 cents in every chance possible. It was then I started paying attention to the threads on the post on her page and learned about all these lesbians’ lives and how lonely and sad most of them were. I also, got to witness a lot of drama, and it was quite disconcerting.
It was through that drama I learned how so many lesbians see this as a way of life and I felt something has to be done. I saw Lesbian Haven as the perfect place to begin. Do we have to have drama or we simply just accept it? Can lesbians live a drama free life and still be happy? Or is the drama part of the appeal?
I don’t know about the rest of the lesbian world, but I have been a lesbian for more than half my life and I can say that the drama only existed in my life before I came to terms with being a lesbian as a teenager (more on this later), and then I experienced drama as an adult just recently with that 52 yr. old butch who taught me a really sad part of being gay. So basically, in between I have had a lesbian drama free life for over 30 yrs.
I have to thank my ex-butch and her immature drama full life for inspiring me to do my own page just so I can help young lesbians learn more about their life choice and how to live life as drama free as possible. I would also like to help recently-out lesbian find their nook on the rainbow.